I brought my love along. Considering what difference it could make to reach out and feel familiar skin as I’ve craved to do so in earlier journeys. He has seen the most of my pain than anyone, except L&B. There are darker days yet that I’m sometimes glad he was not around to witness. I’d told him I may not hold it the whole way through but I’m curious in its comparison to the times I’ve reached out before.
I am taken quickly as my body begins to shift; a melding of being too small and too big dances in and among itself. I have feared this sensation before, not just in journey but for as long as I can remember. Here, I surrender, let it morph my form into whatever is needed, I won’t fight it, we will just be. I reach out and find him, he positions my fingers in our familiar interlocking, wrong first and then right. Home. It takes on a new definition entirely. I am filled with the same flush of love from my prior journey. I feel his ties to me, this choice we make day in and out to travel alongside one another. I realize I don’t necessarily want to hold his hand, I’m feeling called to sail alone but I wanted the option. The sensation of reaching out and someone being there. The memory, where such has been lacking long before. I knew with a sureness that was never doubted but I’ve not yet recognized that he will always be there. I can sail and explore and adventure and he will always be waiting Home with L&B for my return. I have a place, a belonging I’ve always dreamed to find. I have a Home and a family. I release his hand and blow a kiss to them as I board my ship. I turn to the span of stars and clouds before me and just as before lift my hands to surrender. I claim no map, nor path, no venture or expectation and I beckon the winds to carry me where I’m needed. A gust fills the sails and water rushes around the sides carrying us off. I walk the sides of the ship watching the passing shapes, savoring the voyage. We come to a dark river, trees beginning to line the banks of its side. Moonlight and stars shine through the leaves, twinkling across the top of the water. It looks so inviting. I kick my boots off on the deck and decide to go for a swim, diving off the side of the ship into the water below. It’s cold but feels delightful on my skin. A rushing current comes in and carries me on, I float along with it letting the current tumble me along with the waves. I try not to fight them and instead let my form become as fluid as the water around. I release the outline of my shape and become water joining in with the current of the river. I wash along, enjoying the ride of the rush and admiring the reflections of trees and starlight dancing from the sides. I could stay like this, without shape or form, one with the stream and bubbles flowing down this path. The waters become a warm golden color, like a river of rich honey. Pieces of me return into a solid form as I float along the top of the golden river, letting it carry me on and on. I’m dropped off a slight fall into the middle of a golden pond. The same jungle of trees and vines surrounds the space and spans for miles. I see something stone poking from beneath overgrown vines. I swim across the pond in its direction and as I step higher from the shallows water pours from my limbs. I kept too much from my time without shape. I let it pour out into the pool below. I hold out my arms beckoning to wash away all from within that I no longer need to carry, hoping it will flood out with the rest. Climbing atop the bank, I approach the stone form and begin pulling away vines and leaves. Below the overgrowth a large stone statue of me sits cross-legged on the bank, her hands covering her eyes have two suns carved into the back, and the small moon on her forward lays on its back in the same shape as the smile on her lips below. I sit before her, admiring the serenity in her features. As I gaze upon her, I understand the need to worship and practice ritual for my own light.
